Tell me how you really feel

“Hiding how you really feel and trying to make everyone happy doesn’t make you nice, it just makes you a liar.”
― Jenny O’Connell, The Book of Luke

I feel like this sometimes. I try to be kind because The Lord wants me to be kind. My mother wants me to be kind. And truthfully there are so many assholes in the world, I figure I don’t need to be one too. And I like being kind. I enjoy being nice in a world full of asshole people sometimes. I don’t like to rock the boat. I like harmony and all things happy.

But sometimes I feel I compromise my happiness and while I’m trying to be nice I completely leave out honesty and it makes me sick. I feel trampled and sometimes even like a martyr. I just wish I could be honest.

No I don’t want to eat there. No I don’t want to do that. I’d rather be alone. I’d rather have company, please come with me. I’d rather spend my holiday this way, etc etc.

I pray and The Lord always says be kind child. I listen but it’s frustrating when others are not kind back.
Some people are so honest. I have a friend like this. But I find it refreshing because you never wonder what he’s thinking or needing because he will just tell you. Me? I’m choosing my words and sometimes they just remain unspoken.

How to balance honesty and kindness? More praying.




These are the things I miss….

The orange sun too early with the roosters crow
College World Series traffic and parking cars on the short summer grass
Fireworks and the smell of baseball peanuts
Jumping into cold horse tank water because you just can’t wait
Sleeping bags and giggles on my mom’s dining room floor
Pink bike helmets and dresses on Sunday

I miss being a kid. I was good at it. I miss Nebraska and I miss most of my family living within walking distance of each other. I miss my grandma. She was awesome. She gave me ice cream whenever; not dependent on what time of day it was or if I had anything else to eat that day. Red lipstick and playing outside were always allowed.

Happy Memories…..